Rekindling Hope
/How an unexpected gift from nature quelled a deep depression
Carolyn McDonald (Photo courtesy Carolyn McDonald)
“Make room for what you can’t imagine.”
Season 4 // Episode 3
Carolyn McDonald was struggling — hard. The depression had gotten so bad that she couldn’t see a way forward.
Then, one day, she went to the beach.
On this episode, we share the story of what happened. It’s a story about art, wonder, and finding joy at low tide.
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Welcome to Out There Podcast. Our stories are written for the ear, so for those able, we recommend listening while reading along. Transcripts may contain minor errors; please check the audio before quoting.
VOICEOVER: Hub and Spoke audio collective.
WILLOW BELDEN: Hi, I’m Willow Belden, and you’re listening to Out There, the podcast that explores big questions through intimate stories outdoors.
This season, we’re exploring the theme “Secrets of the Earth.” Each episode, we’re harnessing the power of nature to uncover new truths and help us understand our own humanity.
Today, we have a story about rekindling hope. But before we get to that, I want to give a shout-out to our presenting sponsor for the season, PeakVisor.
If you’re anything like me, when you’re out in the mountains, you probably like to know what you’re looking at. For example, if you’re out on a hike, and you see gorgeous peaks off in the distance, you want to know what they are.
But oftentimes, it’s hard to figure it out. Because hiking maps usually only show you the immediate vicinity.
That’s where PeakVisor comes in handy. It’s an app that’s made just for this kind of situation. It’ll figure out where you are, and then it’ll tell you all the mountains you’re looking at. It gives you their names, their elevations, how far away they are.
The app also has all sorts of features that are helpful for trip planning. And you can keep track of your accomplishments with their peak-bagging feature.
If you’d like your own personal mountain guide, check out Peak Visor in the app store. You just might love it.
And now, on to our story for today.
If you’ve ever suffered from depression, you know how insidious it can be. It has this way of seeping into every aspect of your life and sucking away the joy. No matter how hard you try to find silver linings, the world seems dark and bleak and lonely.
So, how do you rekindle hope?
Today’s story is about finding a way out of the pain. And it’s about what nature can give us, when the tide is very low. And just so you know, this story contains some adult language.
2020 was a rough year for pretty much everyone. But it was especially hard for Carolyn McDonald.
CAROLYN MCDONALD: I had gone through a horrible breakup, and I was just so heartbroken. And the same day this my guy suddenly, out of the blue, ended it, in the middle of a sentence, you know, my sister passed away six days later.
WILLOW: It was like double grief.
And then, Carolyn got covid. Not once, but twice. Both times, she was sick for months. Remember, this was long before there was a vaccine. The symptoms were excruciating: crushing headaches, stabbing pains in her organs, difficulty breathing, brain fog.
But what made it even worse was the isolation. Carolyn had just moved to California from the east coast, and she didn’t know anyone. Besides, this was the point where people were going into lockdown. Even if she’d had friends locally, they wouldn’t have been able to see her.
CAROLYN: I was very depressed. Like I remember waking up and just literally praying, just: “Is this going to lift?” And being on the verge of tears all the time. And just feeling hopeless. I’d never felt that in my life before, and I’ve been through some troubling times and challenges in my life. But this was the first time that I really honestly felt hopeless. And that was a little frightening for me.
WILLOW: Month after month went by. The symptoms of long covid lingered. The isolation continued. The depression worsened. It got to the point where she couldn’t see a way forward. Couldn’t imagine a future in which things would be ok.
CAROLYN: The mornings were the worst. I’d just be very heavily woeful in the morning, and oftentimes waking up in tears.
WILLOW: She tried to cheer herself up as best she could. She listened to podcasts. Motivational sermons. Self-help books. But those things only offered a temporary reprieve.
CAROLYN: Like, you know, taking an Advil or a painkiller. It works for a while. And then it goes away.
The beach was the one saving grace. Because, you know, nobody was allowed to go anywhere. You couldn’t, certainly to cafes, barely to the grocery store. So it was so cathartic to be able to go to the beach.
Just being there, sitting on the sand, watching the sun. And birds. I became a bird — not a bird watcher or aficionado— but just getting into watching the sandpipers versus the seagulls versus the birds I still don’t have the names for. But just watching them patter around and go out and run to the sea and come back with the wave.
So I went every day, because I literally live a seven-minute walk. You know, so I would take my time when my energy wasn’t as much. But I would go out, I have this little blanket, and I’d just sit there. And that was, and still is, my thing.
WILLOW: The beach was soothing. But, just like the podcasts and sermons, it was only a temporary Band-aid. Once she got home, she’d sink back into gloom. And the next morning, she’d wake up as sad as ever.
And then, one day, something happened. Something that would help her in a way she could never have imagined.
CAROLYN: Man, that was one of those days. It was just one of those days where I remember weeping that morning. I remember waking up just like, ‘When is this shit going to be over? When am I going to wake up one morning and not be in pain? What morning am I going to wake up and not feel heavy and not cry?’ And it just wouldn’t leave. And that was just one of those melt-down days. It was a melt-down morning. And I just at my dining room table, I just, “OK, ok,” and I just stopped, like “Go to the beach.”
And I was walking along, and I was angry. I remember just being angry. Is anything going to change? I just want this shit to be over. And so I remember thinking, like, ok, and again that sense of hopelessness too. Like, ‘Ok I’m not even going to look up because if I look up, I’ll think there’s going to be hope, and I know there’s no hope. This shit is not going to change. Every morning I’m waking up like this. So I might as well keep my head down, cause nothing good is going to happen. And I’m just going to keep my head down.’
WILLOW: So she’s walking along the beach, chin to her chest, staring at the ground. And then all of a sudden, something catches her eye. A pattern in the sand. And then another. And another. Some looked like trees. Some looked like people. Animals. Egyptian glyphs. All carved into the sand by the ocean. They were extraordinarily detailed, and just gorgeous.
CAROLYN: It was low tide, and the water, as it was trickling in, on each wave, it would, you know, the water would run up to the beach, and it would just kind of carve these amazing, intricate forms into the sand.
And I kept thinking when I saw them, of the word spectacular. And all those words – you know, spectacular, stupendous. I was just blown away by the detail, the intricacy of what water could do into sand at low tide. And it’s the first time I remember feeling awe. You know, because again, it’s a word we use, but how many times do we experience awe? You know, but I was very aware of awe.
WILLOW: Carolyn had walked this beach many times. And sure, waves often make patterns in the sand. But this was different. She had never seen anything like it. These etchings were ethereal. Otherworldly.
CAROLYN: I don’t know how to say it and not make it sound too woo-woo. But I felt like they appeared for me that day. And they were a sign that everything’s going to be alright.
WILLOW: Instinctively, Carolyn pulled out her phone and started taking pictures. She had always loved photography, and something about these shapes compelled her to capture them. And once she started, she couldn’t stop. She took photograph after photograph after photograph, circling around the shapes, experimenting with different angles.
CAROLYN: I remember tiptoeing around them. I remember not wanting to disturb them or mess them up or put footprints. Because there were some that had footprints, and people were, you know, you could tell were walking over them and walking through them and stepping on them. And I was like, ‘How could you step on these things?’
WILLOW: Carolyn has no idea how long she stayed out there. All she knows is she didn’t want to leave. The act of photographing these sand patterns was so joyful. She was totally and utterly in the zone. And as she took picture after picture, she felt something shift inside her.
CAROLYN: I forgot completely about my own woes. I remember getting caught up in awe. Just utter awe.
WILLOW: There on the beach, surrounded by nature’s art, Carolyn felt something she hadn’t experienced in a very long time.
CAROLYN: Hope. Because I had no concept of nature creating something like this. I had no concept of the sea water, tricklings of sea water, being able to carve such beautiful images into the sand. I did not know that could occur.
WILLOW: And so she thought to herself: ‘If nature can create something so marvelous — so unexpected — so out of the realm of anything I could have imagined — maybe there are more surprises in store, too.’
CAROLYN: Just maybe, maybe though I can’t see my life getting better, just maybe there’s possibility for something amazing to occur that I couldn’t conceive.
WILLOW: We’ll hear the rest of the story in a moment. But first, since we’re on the topic of the beach today, I want to pause for a moment and tell you about one of our sponsors, Rumpl.
Rumpl is on a mission to introduce the world to better blankets. And it all started when the founders went on a surf and ski trip through California. On this trip, they got stuck in the back of their car in freezing temperatures. And so, while they waited for rescue, they bundled up in sleeping bags to stay warm. And that’s when they realized how much better the materials in their sleeping bags felt than what was on their beds back home. And so they came up with the idea for a “Sleeping bag blanket.”
Rumpl’s Original Puffy Blanket pairs durable, Ripstop Nylon with a DWR finish that is water, stain, and odor resistant. The blankets are machine washable, and they’re a great way to stay comfortable and warm on any adventure.
You can shop their line of over 140 prints and designs at rumpl.com/outthere and use code OUTTHERE for 10 percent off your first order. That’s 10 percent off your first order when you head to rumpl.com/outthere and use code OUTTHERE at checkout.
Support also comes from Kula Cloth. Kula Cloth makes premium pee cloths.
And in case you’re new to pee cloths, they are just what they sound like. They’re reusable cloths that you can use instead of toilet paper when you pee outdoors. They’re designed for women and anyone who squats when they pee.
I’ve been using a pee cloth for years, and it is a game changer. It makes backcountry hygiene so much easier.
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And now, back to the story.
That day at the beach brought back memories for Carolyn. Memories from her childhood. Memories of falling in love with photography. She remembers sneaking into her mother’s bedroom as a little girl and borrowing the camera.
CAROLYN: You know, she’d put it back on the dresser in the bedroom, and I would sneak it, you know I would like just take it off the dresser, and I would go to the door and take a picture real quick. And then I’d go put it back, and of course get busted when the film comes back, you know. Like, “Where did this extra picture come from?”
WILLOW: Eventually, she saved up enough money doing chores to buy her own camera. And she started photographing everything: waterfalls, airplanes, her family, people at school. She loved every minute of it. It brought her so much joy. But then, life got in the way.
CAROLYN: Growing up in a, you know, like a lot of us, not all of us, but for me, growing up in a working class, lower socioeconomic household, you know, you’re guided and groomed to get a job. And not being from a family or community that knew you could possibly have a job as a photographer. And so when it came time to earning a living, I kind of just put it aside.
WILLOW: Over the years, she dabbled here and there. Took a course in college. Photographed things she saw around town. She even had a show or two. But it never turned into anything serious. Photography was always just a hobby for her. Relegated to the sidelines. And as we all know, it’s hard to keep a childhood passion alive, when you’re just trying to get through the difficult task of being an adult.
But now, here at the beach, she felt that same giddy excitement she’d felt as a kid.
CAROLYN: I was so aware of being back in that zone of joy. Being aware that you love this.
WILLOW: Carolyn photographed every single sand pattern that day. She didn’t want to miss a thing. These images were so special.
When she was done, she raced home and uploaded the photos onto her computer. And when she looked at them, she was blown away. These photos were good. Really good. She had never prided herself on her own work. But even she could see the artistry here.
CAROLYN: I’m looking at this, ‘That thing right there is dope. That image right there. That frame, now, that’s amazing. Ok. I created that. But even if I wasn’t me and I would see that in a gallery, I would want to buy that.’
WILLOW: And it was then, as she allowed herself to admire her own work for the first time, that Carolyn had a surprising thought. These photographs she’d created — these were art. And she was an artist. She had never thought of herself that way before, not in her wildest fantasies.
CAROLYN: Even though, as I said, I had taken photos and had photography exhibits, it was something about these images specifically that gave me permission to say, “You’re an artist.”
WILLOW: The thought was a little scary. But it was also liberating.
Over the next few weeks, Carolyn sifted through her photos. She edited them. Sorted them. Gave them names. And she started to think about what she could do with them. Perhaps they could become a series. Maybe they could even be the start of a new career for her. A career as a photographer.
She started making inquiries. Reached out to galleries. Brainstormed ideas for generating income. And then, she took one final step. Something she’d been kind of avoiding.
CAROLYN: It’s so funny, I was having lunch with my daughter on Saturday. And she hadn’t seen the new stuff, because I’d kind of hidden it, in a way. You know, it’s like everybody has that person, whether it be a parent, a child, a mate, or whatever, that you hide stuff from. You’re like afraid: what they gonna think of it? And so I hadn’t showed her anything.
And so I almost kind of mumbled – I literally mumbled, “So now, since I’m an artist….” You know, it was like, “So I’m an artist.” It was like, there’s only one other person you feel like you need permission from. I didn’t care about anybody else, you know what I mean? But there’s always one person you feel like, whether it’s a parent, it’s like I needed her validation. And she’s like, “Oh this is cool, this is really cool.” And I’m like, “OK.”
WILLOW: One morning, several months after the fateful beach day, Carolyn woke up feeling different.
CAROLYN: I believe it was a Saturday morning, and I remember distinctly, ‘Wow, I’m not in pain today.’ And I felt lighter. And I was just like, ‘Oh my God, I didn’t wake up in pain today.’
WILLOW: She’d been distracted from her sadness before. But now it was just gone. It was like, she had so much joy in her heart from her photography work that there wasn’t space for depression, too.
When we’re at our lowest, it can be hard to see a way out. It can be hard to imagine that the pain will ever end, or that there’s a way forward. But it’s also at low tide that some of the most beautiful things can happen. Things that spark wonder and rekindle optimism. Surprises in the sand that offer hope.
The beach had taught her to have faith. It had taught her to trust that good things are out there, even if you can’t quite conceive of them.
CAROLYN: Just because I can’t see it, or can’t see the how, this let me know that there is hope beyond my conception of things. You know what I mean? You know, there’s room for what you can’t imagine. Make room for what you can’t imagine.
WILLOW: The sand patterns may not be solely responsible for Carolyn’s emotional recovery. She still listened to motivational podcasts and sermons. She went to therapy. But that magical day at the ocean was the spark. It’s what enabled her to see a future. A future in which her happy place — her art — could be front and center.
And no, she hasn’t discarded her old life. She didn’t quit her day job. But she’s intentionally working to create a career out of the thing that brings her joy. And she has the beach to thank for that.
If you’d like to see some of Carolyn’s photos from that day at the beach, head over to our website, outtherepodcast.com. You can also follow Carolyn on Instagram @createdbycarolyn.
Coming up next time on Out There: Newt Schottelkotte grew up in Appalachia. But they never felt welcome there. The whole region seemed antithetical to who they were. And then one day, they went to the Blue Ridge Mountains.
NEWT SCHOTTELKOTTE: It surprised myself how much yearning and love I felt. I had distanced myself from this region for so long. Maybe I was wrong to write off an entire region so quickly. Maybe I shouldn’t be so rigid in labeling a place as either good or bad.
WILLOW: Tune in on June 1st for that story.
It’s hard to believe, but we’re already starting to think about our next season. And we’d love your input on what that season should look like. What theme do you want us to focus on? We put together a poll, and I would be so grateful if you’d fill it out. It’s super quick — just one question. And you find the link in the episode description, or at outtherepodcast.com.
Out There is a proud member of Hub & Spoke, a collective of idea-driven independent podcasts. One of the other shows in the collective that I think you’ll enjoy is called Iconography. They share stories about the icons — both real and imagined — that define our sense of place. One episode I particularly enjoyed is the one about the Boston Marathon and the Citgo sign. You can find Iconography wherever you get your podcasts, or at iconographypodcast.com.
This season of Out There is supported by PeakVisor. PeakVisor is an app that helps you make the most of your adventures in the mountains.
They have intricate 3D maps to help you plan out your trips. They have navigation features that help you stay on the right path. They have peak-bagging challenges to keep you motivated. And, as I mentioned at the top of the episode, once you’re out on adventures, you can use their peak identification feature to figure out what mountains you’re looking at.
If you’d like your own personal mountain guide, check out PeakVisor in the app store. You just might love it.
Today’s story was produced by me, Willow Belden. Story editing by Corinne Ruff. And special thanks to Lori Mortimer for feedback on the sound design.
Out There’s advertising manager is Jessica Taylor. Our audience growth director is Sheeba Joseph. Our ambassadors are Tiffany Duong, Ashley White, and Stacia Bennet. And our theme music was written by Jared Arnold.
Special thanks to all our listeners who are supporting Out There with financial contributions, including Eric Biederman, Phil Timm, Doug Frick, Tara Joslin, Deb and Vince Garcia, and the family of Mike Ludders. If you’d like to support Out There too, go to patreon.com/outtherepodcast. Patreon is a crowd-funding platform for creative endeavors, and I have a link in the episode description.
We’ll see you in two weeks. And in the meantime, have a beautiful day, be bold, go outside, and find your dreams.
Selections from TIME + TIDE: AS REVEALED BY LIGHT
by Carolyn McDonald
Episode Credits
Story and sound design by Willow Belden
Script editing by Corinne Ruff
Special thanks to Lori Mortimer for sound-design feedback
Music includes works from StoryBlocks and Blue Dot Sessions
Links
Buy one of Carolyn’s photos
Follow Carolyn on Instagram
Take our poll about next season’s theme
Support Out There on Patreon
Sponsors
PeakVisor
Rumpl
Use promo code “OUTTHERE” to get 10% off your first purchase at rumpl.com/outthere
Kula Cloth
Use promo code “OUTTHERE2023” to get 15% off your order at outtherepodcast.com/kula
