In My Own Hands

What re-ignites the will to live?

Kaleen Torbiak has tried to kill herself many times. She grew up in a troubled family, spent years struggling with depression, and was convinced that the world would be better off without her.

But one November day in 2015, everything changed. That day, Kaleen walked into the woods, determined to end her life -- and came out a few days later fighting to live. 

On this episode, Canadian journalist Heather Kitching explores what happened during those fateful days. The story gives us a glimpse into one woman's tortured mind, and examines what it takes to make a person want to live again.

“It’s amazing how on Friday, I wanted to commit suicide, and by Sunday I’m frozen from my hips down and all I wanted do is live.”

— Kaleen Torbiak

Music for this story included the song "Comfortable Mystery 2" by Kevin MacLeod.

The National Suicide Prevention Hotline in the U.S. can be reached at 800-273-8255.

If a Badger Dreams

What happens when science and literature don't have all the answers?

Photo Courtesy Charles Foster

Charles Foster has been fascinated with animals for as long as he can remember. He wants to know what makes them tick, how they experience the world, what they dream about.

This curiosity has been all-consuming for Charles since childhood. It's a curiosity that began with a blackbird in a Yorkshire garden, and eventually resulted in a radical experiment -- an attempt to "become" a badger.

On this episode, Brooklyn-based reporter Kaitlyn Schwalje brings us Charles' story. It's a story about obsessive curiosity, and about the surprising things that can happen when you never stop asking questions.

“My training as a veterinarian ... forced me to approach these animals in a drearily mechanistic way, which made them more difficult to understand.”

— Charles Foster

Music on this episode includes works by Aaron Leeder.

Small Beauty on the Appalachian Trail

She Explores brings us a guest interview about thru-hiking as a black woman

Rahawa Haile. (Photo courtesy Rahawa Haile)

What's it like doing something that People Like You almost never do?

This week, we introduce you to another outdoor podcast we think you'll love: She Explores. We chat with the host, Gale Straub, and share her thought-provoking interview with Rahawa Haile, a black woman who thru-hiked the Appalachian Trail in 2016.

Rahawa is an Eritrean-American writer, and author of the essay “How Black Books Lit My Way Along the Appalachian Trail,” which was published on Buzzfeed.

As one of the few black women to thru hike in 2016, Rahawa talks about how her experience is different than the “typical” hiker. She explains that despite popular belief and best intentions, the Appalachian Trail isn’t a great equalizer.

Fear and Loving

What if the world isn't yours for the taking?

PHoto courtesy Jackie SOfia

Outdoor adventures have a remarkable ability to instill a sense of confidence in us.

In 2009, Jackie Sofia went on a trip that did just that. It was a cross-country bike ride, which she was undertaking with dozens of other riders.

When she set off, Jackie was shy and socially anxious -- terrified by what she was about to do. Four thousand miles later, she had been forced out of her shell and fallen in love with risk taking. It was a transformation that would shape the course of her next few years, emboldening her to go places and achieve things she never would have dreamed of in the past. Suddenly, the world was full of possibilities. 

But what happens when that newfound confidence gets shattered -- when you realize you might not be invincible? 

On this episode, Jackie shares her story.

Jackie Sofia is a producer for Kerning Cultures, a podcast that dissects the complex narratives of the Middle East through stories. She’s also the co-founder of Sitti Soap, a social enterprise that employs Palestinian refugee women.

The Human Race

Bernadette Murphy approaches the finish line at the Tahiti Mo'orea Half Marathon. (PHOTO COURTESY BERNADETTE MURPHY)

Learning to belong after life falls apart

When Bernadette Murphy flew to an island in the South Pacific, her friends thought she was indulging in an extended tropical vacation. But the three months she spent on the Island of Mo'orea were anything but relaxing.

In the past two years, Bernadette had lost her father, left her marriage, and sent her youngest child off to college. Now, she was struggling to reassemble the shattered bits of her existence. As it turns out, fleeing to a tropical Paradise wasn't an instant cure for her problems.

But when she signed up for a half marathon, things started to change.

On this episode, Bernadette shares the story of what happened. It's a story about running a race. But more than that, it's about midlife reinvention -- about learning how to belong, after you've given up life as you knew it.

“Having left my own family, I feel at times like an intruder with my brother’s family, as if, in giving up mine I’ve given up the right to belong to a family at all.”

— Bernadette Murphy

Bernadette Murphy lives in Los Angeles. Her latest book, Harley and Me, is now out in paperback.

Off the Hamster Wheel

How losing the thing you love can make you happier

Photo courtesy Matt MIller

For Matt Miller, cycling was golden. It was his exercise, his commute, and his therapy. When he was in the saddle, troubles seemed to melt away, and he felt free -- completely, utterly free.

So when he set out for a cross-country bike tour the summer after graduating college, he thought it would be the adventure of a lifetime. And for a while, it was. But then, something happened that turned his world upside down.

Producer Bianca Taylor brings us Matt’s story. It’s a story about how we define ourselves, and even distract ourselves, with the thing we most love to do. And it looks at what happens to us when that thing is taken away.

“You gotta learn to love all the scary parts, all the emotional parts, all the weird insecurities — all the things that ... you’re just trying to sequester.”

— Matt Miller

Music for this story includes works by Aaron Leeder.

The Motherload

Why a selfish act can end up being good for everyone

Becky Jensen on the Colorado Trail. (Photo courtesy Becky Jensen)

Becky Jensen had a lot of things going for her: sweet kids, a caring fiance, a promising career. But deep down, she wasn't happy. So last summer, she left everything (and everyone) behind to do a 500-mile hike by herself.

On this episode, she shares her story. It's a story about relationships -- both with your family, and with yourself. And it's about the surprising things that can happen to those relationships when you do something selfish -- something just for you.

“For the first time in a long time I realized I wasn’t responsible for anyone, or anything, except me.”

— Becky Jensen

What the Future Will Hold

How a mysterious bird collection could unlock tomorrow's scientific secrets

this black-crowned night heron is part of a large collection of stuffed birds that were discovered at a school in laramie, wyoming in 2016. (photo by Willow Belden)

When evolutionary biologist Brian Barber first heard that some stuffed birds had been found at a Wyoming high school, he didn't think too much of it. But as luck would have it, the mysterious collection would turn out to be a goldmine. 

On this episode, we tell the story of a treasure trove of forgotten specimens that could help with scientific breakthroughs decades or centuries down the road.

The story takes us from the prairies of Wyoming in the 1960s to a fancy research facility today, and shows the surprising things that can come about from a project that started on someone’s kitchen table.

The Reluctant Outdoorsman

When nature excludes you for not being serious

Ryan Haupt and friends at the summit of Mt. Elbert. (photo courtesy Ryan Haupt)

Stories about the outdoors often focus on extremes: the fastest runners, the strongest climbers, people who set records and accomplish the impossible. But what about the rest of us?

On this episode, a PhD student named Ryan Haupt shares what it's like trying to enjoy the outdoors, when you're not a pro. It's a story about "in" group and "out" group -- about trying to keep up in a community where everyone is more skilled and experienced than you -- about feeling like an impostor in your own backyard.

And ultimately, it's a story that asks: Who is the outdoors for?

Ryan Haupt is a PhD candidate studying paleontology at the University of Wyoming. He also hosts a podcast called Science...Sort Of, which is about science, things that are sort of science, and things that wish they were science.

“There’s that type of person for whom existing outside seems more comfortable than sitting in an easy chair. And for those of us that don’t feel that way, those people are crazy intimidating.”

— Ryan Haupt

BONUS EPISODE: Mother's Day Special

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Out There Host Willow Belden plays in a waterfall in Maine with her mother, Ursula Belden.

For mother's day, we've collected stories from you - our listeners - about your mothers. We asked you to explain how they've influenced your relationship with the outdoors.

The stories you told were wonderful: nuanced, funny, vulnerable and honest. On this episode, we're sharing some of our favorites.

A Place to Belong

Biking cross country in search of what's missing

Photo courtesy Joel Shupack

Three years ago, folk singer Joel Shupack set off from Portland, Oregon on his bicycle. The plan was to ride across the entire U.S., all the way to New Hampshire.

Joel's dream was to escape a life that wasn’t filling him up.  He wanted to travel, to give himself space to think, to make sense out of things.

On this episode, he shares his story. It’s a story about leaving behind a comfortable life at home, in order to follow your heart. It shows us what a cross-country bike tour is really like – not just the glamorous idea, but the tough reality.

And finally, it’s a story about figuring out how to belong.

“I knew I wanted to be a folk hero, a storyteller, a savior of forgotten lore. I imagined myself as Pete Seeger on a bicycle.”

— Joel Shupack

This Concrete Life

Accessing nature where nature isn't meant to be accessed

Photo courtesy Brice Particelli

Two friends set out one March morning with an inflatable raft, a camouflage tent ... and a ridiculous idea. They plan to paddle the Bronx River, all the way from Valhalla to New York City. It's the kind of trip that no one even talks about attempting.

On this episode, in honor of Earth Day, we share their story. It's a story about the trials and tribulations of exploring forgotten bits of wilderness: the places where nature and civilization meet. Places where people are not meant to go. It's also an intimate socio-environmental portrait of a waterway -- a reminder of just how much our surroundings can show us about ourselves.

Pace University Professor Brice Particelli brings us the story.

“We’ve built a fantasy where we live one life, in town, while we try to preserve a separate, managed, pristine wilderness. ... To do so preserves ‘wilderness’ for the wealthy. ”

— Brice Particelli

A version of this story first appeared in The Big Roundtable. Aaron Leeder wrote the music.

Failure in Success

How doing something you love can make you miserable

“It’s going to be terrible for certain parts. You’re going to go through certain parts of the day and ... think, ‘This is so stupid; why am I doing this?’”

— Evan O'Toole

We’ve gotten a lot of new listeners in the past few months, so this week, we're playing a story that some of you may have missed.  It ran back in 2015, when the show was still very new, and it won a big national award last year.

The story is about a 70-mile mountain bike race called the Laramie Enduro, which I signed up for in 2015.

I've always liked big athletic challenges, like triathlons and half marathons. But this race was different. This time, pushing my limits turned out to be a big mistake.

On this episode, I share the story of that mistake. It's a story about trying to prove yourself, about testing what you're capable of. And ultimately, it's about learning when to say no.

Episode 31: Another Channel

What if the lines between science and religion aren't so clear?

“A typical academic psychologist ... would say, ‘You missed your best friend, and you made it all up, and that’s what people do when their relatives die: they talk to their mothers, and it soothes them.’”

— Jerry Kroth

Many of us put science and religion into separate boxes, assuming they're mutually exclusive. But what if it's not so simple?

On this episode, producer Maya Kroth brings us a story about something that happened on a beach in Mexico, which cast one psychologist's understanding of the world into question.  It’s a story about uncertainty -- about the eerie coincidences in life that can’t really be explained through science. And finally, it’s a story about losing your best friend.

Episode 30: Truly Equal

What would a society look like, without haves and have nots?

Photos by Katrin Redfern and Andrew Stern

Photos by Katrin Redfern and Andrew Stern

Photos by Katrin Redfern and Andrew Stern

Photos by Katrin Redfern and Andrew Stern

Photos by Katrin Redfern and Andrew Stern

Photos by Katrin Redfern and Andrew Stern

Photos by Katrin Redfern and Andrew Stern

Photos by Katrin Redfern and Andrew Stern

Photos by Katrin Redfern and Andrew Stern

Photos by Katrin Redfern and Andrew Stern

Many of us spend a lot of time and energy striving for equality -- equality between men and women, rich and poor, gay and straight, Christian and Muslim.

But what does it mean for a society to truly be equal? What would that actually look like? Could we do it? And would we actually want to live that way?

Last summer, Brooklyn-based producer Katrin Redfern traveled to Tanzania to look for answers, visiting one of the few truly egalitarian societies on the planet.

On this episode, she shares her story.

“The people who live with the greatest level of equality are not part of a modernized, Western society. In fact, just the opposite. They are hunter-gatherer tribes, like the Hadza.”

— Katrin Redfern

More of Katrin's work will appear at an exhibit about the Hadza in Newburgh, New York, from March 25 - April 24. The multimedia exhibit will showcase daily life and culture for the Hadza, including photos, sound, text, and artifacts.

Bonus Episode: Birthday, Beer, and Beaches

It's Out There's second birthday!

To celebrate, we're sharing some of our favorite moments from stories we've aired over the past two years.

We'll also give you a sneak peak at upcoming episodes, invite you to a party, and offer a special birthday discount on Out There t-shirts and hoodies.

Want to go back and hear the full stories from any of the clips we featured on this episode? Here's the rundown:

• One More Run
• Pedaling and Paddling
• Over the Hill
• A New Identity
• Solace in Solitude
• Failure in Success

 

Your turn to weigh in!

We'd love to hear which episodes you liked best. Give us a ring at (800) 599-2598; tell us about an episode that resonated with you; and -- if it brought to mind an experience of your own -- tell us your story! It might even end up on the show one day.

Episode 29: Moral Compass

Myles Osborne's climbing guide, Dan Mazur (Red coat), and CLIMBER Lincoln Hall (orange) shortly after Osborne's team discovered Hall on the mountain. Hall was hallucinating, and trying to pull him off the 10,000 foot drop pictured. (Photo by Andrew Brash)

How do you decide whether to leave someone for dead?

When Myles Osborne set out to climb Mt. Everest, he knew he was up against a dangerous mountain. What he didn't consider was that it might not be his own life on the line.

On this episode, producer Phoebe Flanigan brings us Myles' story. It's a story about what happens when your personal goals are pitted against the life of another person. And it's about how we make the toughest of moral decisions: whether or not to help someone who's nearly dead.

“And then you’re sure that something funky is going on. Because a) there can’t be a person here, and b) if there was a person here, why would they be removing their clothes at 8,700 meters on Everest?”

— Myles Osborne

Sound design for this story by Chema Flores.

Episode 28: The Outsider

Photo Courtesy Drew Lanham

Is nature really color blind?

We tend to think that nature is an equalizer -- that it treats everyone the same, whether they're gay or straight, Hindu or Muslim, white or black. But it's not quite so simple.

On this episode, producer Jackie Sojico brings us a story about a man who doesn’t fit the description of a traditional “outdoorsman.” It’s a story about trying to do something you love, when you don’t look the part. And it's about making space for yourself in a world that excludes you.

“A black man walking around in camo sticks out. I may as well wear hot pink.”

— Drew Lanham

A version of this story first aired on New Heads For New People, a podcast about science hosted by Jackie Sojico.

Special thanks to BirdNote for letting us use audio from the “Rules For the Black Birdwatcher” video. The video was produced by Ari Daniel Shapiro. 

Episode 27: Bad Feminist?

Stacey McKenna climbs 'Drugs are Nice,' a 5.10a route at Penitente canyon, colorado. (Photo courtesy Stacey McKenna)

I Climb Because My Husband Climbs

Have you ever taken up a hobby just because your partner does it? Ever wondered what that says about you?

On this episode, Colorado-based writer Stacey McKenna shares a story about love, about fear, and about what happens when you don’t share your partner’s obsession.

“What would my 16-year-old self say if she saw me doing this for a guy? Why on earth do I keep doing it if I don’t love it?”

— Stacey McKenna

Episode 26: The Instinct to Kill

What makes a person a hunter?

Sam Anderson lives in New York City, and for most of his life, it never occurred to him to go hunting. But last year, at his father's request, he decided to give it a try.

Sam had no idea whether he'd actually be able to bring himself to pull the trigger. And he wondered: if he did manage to take the life of an animal, what would that say about him? How would it change him?

On this episode, he shares his story.